Today is not an easy day for me. I am struggling with the fact that I have fallen in love with an alcoholic. I’ve spent so much time trying to “help” him and do for him, that I have essentially, lost myself in the process. In recovery, we begin having to face ourselves. This means the good and the bad. Sometimes, actually, most of the time, it is a very painful (but rewarding) process. About 10 months ago, my life was moving forward and I was facing so many of my character defects head on. Then, he came along and I chose to put myself on the back burner. I focused on helping him. I saw his addiction but I also saw his potential. And instead of falling in love with who he is, I fell in love with his potential. I allowed this. It is not his fault. He is an addict, doing what addicts do. Using others. I should have known better and I should have put myself & recovery first. I didn’t. This was my mistake and mine alone. But today, after spending 2 days awake, sitting next to him in a hospital bed because he was inebriated and started a fight, followed by 2 days catering to his every need I realize that he has to want change for himself. No matter how bad I want it for him, he wont change until he wants to. I don’t know what it will take. He had to move his children states away because he couldn’t financially or emotionally handle being a parent. He has no concept of personal responsibility and he doesn’t care about anyone’s emotions. If being admitted to the hospital for a punctured lung and bleeding brain doesn’t make him, what will? Let me just take a minute to remind everyone **ALCOHOL IS A DRUG** So today, I deal with these emotions. Guilt, shame, sadness, regret but most importantly, hope. I have hope for my life again. Because his hate and sickness combined with me still being sick from years of addiction, (yes, no longer using drugs does NOT mean that I am magically cured. It takes work to get better) dimmed the fire I had burning inside of me. I was slowly loosing hope and believing him when he said, no one would want me…. But, today, I am taking back my life. I refuse to ever give it away to someone else and their addiction again. I now understand why the program of NA encourages newcomers to stay away from relationships in the first year. My picker is broke. It is sick and unhealthy. I have to fix my flaws, my character defects and start mending what’s broken in me before I can ever begin to pick someone who is truly healthy, stable and beneficial to my life….. This program works, IF YOU WORK IT. I tried to do it my own way, I thought I was different than the hundreds of thousands before me. I thought, this one time, it may work MY WAY…. Well, I wasn’t different and doing this my way, only resulted in turmoil and pain. So, today, while my heart is heavy, I find solace in the fact that my God is still with me, helping me and this program is exactly where I left it so many months ago…. waiting for me to see the error in my ways….
Today, I choose to put my recovery first. I will not delay my recovery any longer. Today, I will reach out. I will choose hope. I will choose progress. Today I will make a change.
I truly hope that this blog will help others. If sharing my struggles, my ups and downs, my darker moments, as well as my brighter ones, helps just one person, I have accomplished what I set out to do. I am more than open to recommendations, advice as well as others authoring stories or point of view posts. If you would be interested in something like that, feel free to contact me and we can work it out! Thank you!